Re:The Company of One
As I read Kartikays post with the above name, my own inner self threw me back to when I got my first apartment where I was the sole resident. I was 24, and this was my seventh home after leaving my childhood house at the age of 16. I had since shared flats with either a sibling, a girlfriend or friends (or actually a combination of all the above, in collectives). This was the first place where I would be totally left to my own devices (and that inner dialogue).
My life at this point was super social. It was four years after moving to a new city in the north of Sweden, and I've gotten to know a lot of people, mostly through inter collective contacts and vegan/animal rights/political networks. And I really enjoyed it. It was wonderful to be a part of this large circle of people, and appreciated for me being me1. This was in 2005 and before both facebook and smartphones, so we had to be social in a real sense. And as I recall it, the political climate was also more optimistic about being able to change the world for the better.
The thing is, I noticed something after getting my own place: I was actually a bit scared of being by myself (remember, no smartphone). Every evening as me and my friends walked home and we got closer to my apartment, I felt an urge to make plans with the people around me to either hang out at my place or that I could come with them. Prolong the social gathering. Either that or text/call my girlfriend to see if she wanted to hang out (unless she was already part of the group). All this because I feared being alone.
Naturally, this way of life was hard to maintain. Though we were young, no families of our own and sleepovers in collectives was happening all the time, there would come a day where I just had to face it. I had to go home alone. Here comes the point of this post: That day turned out to be very very good for me. At first, opening the door to the dark apartment I was still a bit scared. But to my surprise this feeling soon faded and another surfaced: relief. I was alone. It was all good. When this transition happened I was grateful I hadn't forced any friends to tag along. Seemingly out of nowhere, I cherished the Company of One.
How my inner dialogue works will not be part of this post. I just wanted to share this very real awakening, framed in a very mundane everyday setting. One small step for my physical body, one giant leap for my mind.
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I couldn't be me entirely, there were aspects I held back, but that might have to become another post.↩